In my lifetime, I've been through some things. Lots of things, actually, that helped me grow as a person. My family shaped me as a child with lots of love and attention. Growing up with a roof over my head, food to eat, and my own bed to sleep in, there really wasn't much else I needed. I learned how to read and write and ride a bike. I went to church twice a week. I learned to say my prayers, and read my Bible. And then finally, I grew up, almost as simple as that.
My earliest formation of a life plan happened when I was about 9 or 10. I decided I was going to go to college. Truthfully, my family had all but decided that for me. My Grandparents sent me a $50 check every year for my birthday with the sole purpose of saving it for college. As a kid the money was this arbitrary thing that my parents took to the bank for me. As a teenager, I finally got to see the savings account where all the checks had been going.
My plan was almost as simple as my childhood would predict it to be. Sam's plan was: go to college, graduate, get married and have kids by the time I was 25. (I thought 25 was a good age to plan for kids. That gave me just enough time to learn everything I wanted to learn.) My expectations were based on societal norms, that I expected to be constant in my life, as long as I tried my best. Call me naive, but when I make a plan and I try my very best, I really think things will go exactly the way they were planned.
The truth is, the norms I expected to happen to me, never actually happened. This REALLY disappointed me when I got old enough to realize that my life didn't look anything like "Sam's plan." I hoped, and I prayed, and tried my very best to make my life plans work out. But as the story goes, "Mr. Right" never showed up after I graduated college. In fact, he never showed up at all. So I went back to college a second time. Even though my heart wasn't really "in it," I didn't know what else to do because being a waitress was starting to bore me. None of my plans had worked themselves out. Next thing I know, I'm 29 and single, because I broke up with a great guy for good reasons. I was majorly bummed. I felt like a loser and an old maid. I even felt like I was failing God somehow, or being unfaithful because I wasn't married. O.K. I lied, I was more than bummed, I was depressed.
I'm usually a positive person. By usually, I mean, when I take personality tests, "Positivity" is one of my main strengths. I mean, what do I have to complain about? I have had a life full of love, support, and encouragement, from multiple sources of comfort. And my life's foundation is pretty damn solid. Why should I be bummed if I never achieved everything I wanted to achieve in some arbitrary timeline? Well, that timeline meant something to me after my biological clock started ticking (loudly too).
I struggled to find meaning in my life. I spent months soul searching, wondering what I was supposed to do. I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. But I was settling for graduating from nursing school. And then I failed my license exam. So again, I was bummed because if God didn't want me to be a mom, or a nurse, what was I going to do with myself? It was a long battle with my emotions. I struggled with my faith and my purpose all through part-time jobs, bad relationships, and credit card bills. I couldn't find my place in this world, and it made me lonely and sad. Being in love with my childish life plan wasn't getting me anywhere. My plans continued to fail.
It took two years to pass my RN license exam. (I took the NCLEX not twice, or three times, but FOUR times.) During those years, my student loans continued to pile up. I was barely supporting myself and paying my loans back. It was a scary time. At one point, I totaled my car by hitting a deer on the highway, followed by getting fired from my job in the same month. I had to move back in with my parents and leave my big city life behind me.
You know how you always feel sorry for that single dude, that lives in his parents' basement? Well, I felt sorry for me when I was 30, and single, and I shared a room with my sister in my parents' basement. It was the worst. I couldn't make sense of my embarrassing life. Inside & out, I was a colossal MESS.
Have you ever felt that way? Like you have no control over anything? And how some things just happen that are out of your hands. My life was out of my hands and crazy. I was super scared, and also angry, about my future. I began making rash decisions, which led me into further debt and heartache. I won't elaborate on all of what happened, but let's just say, there were things done that I am not proud of.
The Bible says that the Lord desires a contrite spirit and a broken heart, over sacrifices and offerings. I am a testimony of that. My sins encompassed me and I kept sinking lower into self pity, it was shameful. My heart was broken by my own sins. I had to get humble enough to face my problem. My expectations were driving me away from the Lord. I had been hoping that somehow my plan was God's plan. I held onto a small little mustard seed of faith that the Lord knew best. Only when I gave up my plans, did I find that the Lord had mercifully orchestrated events in my life for me to seek Him through. The dark times in my life served a greater purpose. And so dear reader, at 31, my epiphany finally came.
You can grow up with the knowledge that Jesus loves you, and he has a plan for you, and not know how to apply your knowledge to your life. When I look at my plan and His plan side-by-side, I find the truth I overlooked. The Lord never promised life would work out according to my "perfect" plan. In the grand scheme of things, He does, however, promise better plans than naive little me could fathom. Every day, I am called to embrace the Christian life I have been given whether or not I like it. No, my life isn't defined by being a successful professional, or by being the mom I've always wanted to be. My life is defined by being a Christian. I am imperfect and sinful. I am selfish. I lie and deceive myself. I spend more money than I make. And I am reckless with my heart. I know better. But I fail. And Jesus truly loves me because He gives me purpose and hope, in-spite of my shortcomings.
Nothing in this world can define you, like faith in the Lord Jesus Christ does. Even when your faith is as childish and whimsy and wimpy, as mine has been. When nothing in life seems to satisfy your soul, when none of your plans go according to plan, and when you fail, the Lord is faithful. He brings you closer to Himself, and he gives you peace about your life that surpasses all understanding. The Lord has given me hope, and a light to shine, because His light has shined in the darkness of my life. When my life was out of my hands, it was still in His hands. He kept me from hopelessness.
When I leave this world, and I meet my Lord and Savior face to face, I hope that I stand before Him thankful. I hope to live out the rest of my time here thankful for my life, and not disappointed. Nothing this world has to offer me, (like the money, sex, and power it offers) means as much to me, as the grace, hope, peace, and love of my Savior Jesus Christ. If you give Him the chance, he can and he will, prove as much to you.
My earliest formation of a life plan happened when I was about 9 or 10. I decided I was going to go to college. Truthfully, my family had all but decided that for me. My Grandparents sent me a $50 check every year for my birthday with the sole purpose of saving it for college. As a kid the money was this arbitrary thing that my parents took to the bank for me. As a teenager, I finally got to see the savings account where all the checks had been going.
My plan was almost as simple as my childhood would predict it to be. Sam's plan was: go to college, graduate, get married and have kids by the time I was 25. (I thought 25 was a good age to plan for kids. That gave me just enough time to learn everything I wanted to learn.) My expectations were based on societal norms, that I expected to be constant in my life, as long as I tried my best. Call me naive, but when I make a plan and I try my very best, I really think things will go exactly the way they were planned.
The truth is, the norms I expected to happen to me, never actually happened. This REALLY disappointed me when I got old enough to realize that my life didn't look anything like "Sam's plan." I hoped, and I prayed, and tried my very best to make my life plans work out. But as the story goes, "Mr. Right" never showed up after I graduated college. In fact, he never showed up at all. So I went back to college a second time. Even though my heart wasn't really "in it," I didn't know what else to do because being a waitress was starting to bore me. None of my plans had worked themselves out. Next thing I know, I'm 29 and single, because I broke up with a great guy for good reasons. I was majorly bummed. I felt like a loser and an old maid. I even felt like I was failing God somehow, or being unfaithful because I wasn't married. O.K. I lied, I was more than bummed, I was depressed.
I'm usually a positive person. By usually, I mean, when I take personality tests, "Positivity" is one of my main strengths. I mean, what do I have to complain about? I have had a life full of love, support, and encouragement, from multiple sources of comfort. And my life's foundation is pretty damn solid. Why should I be bummed if I never achieved everything I wanted to achieve in some arbitrary timeline? Well, that timeline meant something to me after my biological clock started ticking (loudly too).
I struggled to find meaning in my life. I spent months soul searching, wondering what I was supposed to do. I wanted to be a mom, more than anything. But I was settling for graduating from nursing school. And then I failed my license exam. So again, I was bummed because if God didn't want me to be a mom, or a nurse, what was I going to do with myself? It was a long battle with my emotions. I struggled with my faith and my purpose all through part-time jobs, bad relationships, and credit card bills. I couldn't find my place in this world, and it made me lonely and sad. Being in love with my childish life plan wasn't getting me anywhere. My plans continued to fail.
It took two years to pass my RN license exam. (I took the NCLEX not twice, or three times, but FOUR times.) During those years, my student loans continued to pile up. I was barely supporting myself and paying my loans back. It was a scary time. At one point, I totaled my car by hitting a deer on the highway, followed by getting fired from my job in the same month. I had to move back in with my parents and leave my big city life behind me.
You know how you always feel sorry for that single dude, that lives in his parents' basement? Well, I felt sorry for me when I was 30, and single, and I shared a room with my sister in my parents' basement. It was the worst. I couldn't make sense of my embarrassing life. Inside & out, I was a colossal MESS.
Have you ever felt that way? Like you have no control over anything? And how some things just happen that are out of your hands. My life was out of my hands and crazy. I was super scared, and also angry, about my future. I began making rash decisions, which led me into further debt and heartache. I won't elaborate on all of what happened, but let's just say, there were things done that I am not proud of.
The Bible says that the Lord desires a contrite spirit and a broken heart, over sacrifices and offerings. I am a testimony of that. My sins encompassed me and I kept sinking lower into self pity, it was shameful. My heart was broken by my own sins. I had to get humble enough to face my problem. My expectations were driving me away from the Lord. I had been hoping that somehow my plan was God's plan. I held onto a small little mustard seed of faith that the Lord knew best. Only when I gave up my plans, did I find that the Lord had mercifully orchestrated events in my life for me to seek Him through. The dark times in my life served a greater purpose. And so dear reader, at 31, my epiphany finally came.
You can grow up with the knowledge that Jesus loves you, and he has a plan for you, and not know how to apply your knowledge to your life. When I look at my plan and His plan side-by-side, I find the truth I overlooked. The Lord never promised life would work out according to my "perfect" plan. In the grand scheme of things, He does, however, promise better plans than naive little me could fathom. Every day, I am called to embrace the Christian life I have been given whether or not I like it. No, my life isn't defined by being a successful professional, or by being the mom I've always wanted to be. My life is defined by being a Christian. I am imperfect and sinful. I am selfish. I lie and deceive myself. I spend more money than I make. And I am reckless with my heart. I know better. But I fail. And Jesus truly loves me because He gives me purpose and hope, in-spite of my shortcomings.
Nothing in this world can define you, like faith in the Lord Jesus Christ does. Even when your faith is as childish and whimsy and wimpy, as mine has been. When nothing in life seems to satisfy your soul, when none of your plans go according to plan, and when you fail, the Lord is faithful. He brings you closer to Himself, and he gives you peace about your life that surpasses all understanding. The Lord has given me hope, and a light to shine, because His light has shined in the darkness of my life. When my life was out of my hands, it was still in His hands. He kept me from hopelessness.
When I leave this world, and I meet my Lord and Savior face to face, I hope that I stand before Him thankful. I hope to live out the rest of my time here thankful for my life, and not disappointed. Nothing this world has to offer me, (like the money, sex, and power it offers) means as much to me, as the grace, hope, peace, and love of my Savior Jesus Christ. If you give Him the chance, he can and he will, prove as much to you.
